|
| |
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those
who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
....Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can
find a
rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping
me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary
forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE..EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS
C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<-------- The information went data way -------- >
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones
in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 pops in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate
errors.
Press <CTRL-<ALT-<DEL to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming
must be
the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing
with
inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it
should be
hard to understand.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
>> A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to
be admitted, while
>> St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book
to see if the guy is
>> worthy of entering.
>> Saint Peter goes through the books several
times, furrows
>> his brow, and says to the guy, "You know,
I can't see that
>> you did anything really good in your life
but, you never did
>> anything bad either. Tell you what,
if you can tell me of one
>> REALLY good deed that you did in your life,
you're in."
>>
>> The guy thinks for a moment and says,
"Yeah, there was this
>> one time when I was drivin' down the highway
and I saw a giant
>> group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting
this poor girl.
>> I slowed down my car to see what was going
on, and sure enough,
>> there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing
this chick.
>> Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a
tire iron out of my
trunk,
>> and walked straight up to the leader of
the gang, a huge guy with
>> a studded leather jacket and a chain running
from his nose to his
>> ear. As I walked up to the leader,
the KKK Biker Gang Rapists
>> formed a circle around me.
>>
>> So, I rip the leader's chain off his face
and smash him over
>> the head with the tire iron. Then
I turn around and yell to
>> the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent
girl alone!
>> You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
>> Go home before I teach you all a lesson
in pain!'"
>>
>> St. Peter, impressed, says "Really?
When did this happen?"
>>
>> "Oh, about two minutes ago."
>
>
>>>===================================================
>>>
>>>The attached is an unbridged excerpt from a 1950's Home Economics
>>>Textbook - The Good Wives' Guide
>>>
>>>===================================================
>>>
>>>Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
>>>delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of
letting
>>>him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned
about his
>>>needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect
of a
>>>good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the welcome
needed.
>>>
>>>Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed
>>>when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in you hair
and
>>>be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
>>>
>>>Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring
day
>>>may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
>>>
>>>Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part
of
>>>the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks,
toys,
>>>paper etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
>>>
>>>Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light
a
fire
>>>for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven
of
>>>rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering
for his
>>>comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
>>>
>>>Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the childrens hands
>>>and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary,
change
>>>their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see
them
>>>playing the part.
>>>
>>>Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of
>>>the washer, dryer and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be
>>>quiet. Be happy to see him.
>>>
>>>Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to
>>>please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things
to
tell him
>>>but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first
-
remember,
>>>his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
>>>
>>>Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes
out
>>>to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead
try
>>>to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real
need
to
>>>be at home to relax.
>>>
>>>Your goal. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order
and
>>>tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
>>>
>>>Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if
he's
>>>late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this minor
>>>compared to what he might have gone through that day.
>>>
>>>Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair
or
>>>have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink
ready
for him.
>>>Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low
>>>soothing and pleasent voice.
>>>
>>>Don't ask him about his actions or question his judgement or
>>>integrity. Remember, he is master of the house and as such
will
always
>exercise
>>>his will with fairness and truthfulnes. You have not right to
question
>>>him.
>>>
>>>A good wife always knows her place.
>
> An engineer dies and reports to the pearly
gates. St. Peter
checks
> his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're
in the wrong
> place." So the engineer reports to
the gates of hell and is let
in.
> Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of
comfort
> in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements. After a
> while, they've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and
escalators,
> and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
>
> One day God calls Satan up on the telephone
and says with a sneer,
> "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
>
> Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.
We've got air
> conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no
telling
> what this engineer is going to come up with
next."
>
> God replies, "What???? You've got an engineer?
That's a
mistake--he
> should never have gotten down there; send
him up here."
>
> Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer
on the staff, and
I'm
> keeping him."
>
> God says, "Send him back up here or I'll
sue."
>
> Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah,
right. And just
where
> are you going to get a lawyer?"
>
>
>
WHY GOD HAS NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT A MAJOR UNIVERSITY
1.He had only one major publication.
2.It was in Hebrew.
3.It had no references.
4.It wasn't published in a refereed
journal...
5.Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6.It may be true that he created the
world, but what has he done
since then ?
7.His cooperative efforts have been
quite limited.
8.The scientific community has had
a hard time replicating his
results.
9.He never applied to the Ethics Board
for permission to use
human subjects.
10.When one experiment went awry, he tried
to cover it up by
drowning the subjects.
11.When subjects didn't behave as predicted,
he deleted them from
the sample.
12.He rarely came to class, just told students
to read the Book.
13.Some say he had his son teach the class.
14.He expelled his first two students for
learning.
15.Although there were only ten requirements,
most students
failed his tests.
16.His office hours were infrequent and
usually held on a
mountain top.
>Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
>-------------------------------
>..........................................................
>There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is
easy to fool
>yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is
an accurate vision
>of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account
the stupidity,
>selfishness, and horniness of the average human being.
Allow me to
>describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star
Trek vision.
>
>Medical Technology
>------------------
>On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that
instantly close
>any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device
in the hands
>of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind
you and seal
>your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would
be sold in novelty
>stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered,
I'm happy
>that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
>
>Transporter
>-----------
>It would be great to be able to beam your molecules
across space and
>then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have
to trust your
>co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the
same people who
>won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot
of coffee after
>taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking
the
>transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming
people into
>walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their
time
>apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding
from parts of their
>bodies.
>
>'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into
a hutch
>yesterday.'
>
>If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd
never leave the
>house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming
groceries,
>stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I
wanted right into my
>house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power.
If anybody came to
>arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some
paintings for my
>walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my
place, pick out the
>good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
>
>
>If I were watching the news on television and didn't
like what
>I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room
during the
>commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam
him back
>before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping
up with
>the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something
nice, it
>would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors
would have
>to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after
I had all
>the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my
life.
>There's only one thing that could keep me from spending
all my
>time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
>
>Holodeck
>--------
>For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek,
the holodeck can
>create simulated worlds that look and feel just like
the real thing. The
>characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation
during breaks
>from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a
holodeck, I'd close
>the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion.
It would be hard
>to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck,
getting my oil
>massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
>
>Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't
enough holodecks to
>go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had
reservations
>ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel
tense about
>it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
>
>I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
>
>Sex with Aliens
>---------------
>
>According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated
with
>creatures who would like to have sex with humans.
>This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities,
but imagine
>the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human
beings,
>much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly
>transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial
for
>who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety.
You
>would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual
and what
>moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
>
> Me Trying
to Have Sex with an Alien
> -----------------------------------
>
> Me:
May I touch that?
>
> Alien:
That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
>
separate corporeal being that has been
>
attached to my body for six hundred years.
>
> Me:
It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
>
have sex with it.
>
>
> Alien:
That's exactly what I said six hundred
>
years ago.
>
>The best part about having sex with aliens, according
to the Star Trek
>model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death
soon afterward. I
>don't have to tell you how many problems that would
solve. Realistically,
>the future won't be that convenient.
>
>Phasers
>-------
>I would love to have a device that would stun people
into
>unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it
ten times
>a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store,
I'd
>zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front
of me
>at the theater, zap!
>
>On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people
with phasers. It
>happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you
were possessed by
>an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as
a credible defense in the
>Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world
where the 'alien
>possession' defense is credible.
>
>Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle,
and
>
I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
>
by an evil alien entity.
>
>Officer:
Well, okay. Move along.
>
>I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes
to
>stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the
fence
>and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed
the
>bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's
>dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking
at him
>barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this,
a
>phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze
off a clean
>shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make
much noise,
>so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little
dog and
>I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains,
I'll
>explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's
dog,
>a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
>
>And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly
indicated.
>
>Cyborgs
>-------
>Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead
of 100 percent
>human. I like the thought of technology becoming part
of my body. As a
>human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my
garage to get a tool
>to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were
a cyborg, I might
>have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket
set. That would
>save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg
concept is a modular
>design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd
use most.
>
>I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every
time I looked at
>someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like
that. I'd program
>myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little
message would
>appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked
On.'
>
>It would also be great to have my computer built into
my skull. That way
>I could surf the Net during useless periods of life,
such as when people
>talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding
subroutine
>during boring conversations and I could amuse myself
in my head all day
>long.
>
>I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there
would be a huge rush
>of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would
like it for the
>look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology
has
>something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can
imagine everyone
>wanting to be a cyborg.
>
>The only downside I can see is that when the human part
dies and you're
>at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its
way out of the
>casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can
be minimized by
>saying you have an important business meeting, so you
can't make it to
>the service.
>
>Shields
>-------
>I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all
the time,
>especially around people who spit when they talk or
get too close to my
>personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield
quite a bit if I also
>had a phaser to play with.
>
>I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they
use to protect the
>Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal
use. I could
>insult dangerous people without fear of retribution.
Whatever crumbs
>of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary
in the future.
>On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
>
>
Shopping with Shields Up
>
------------------------
>
>
> Me:
Ring this up for me, you
>
unpleasant cretin.
>
> Saleswoman:
I oughta slug you!
>
> Me:
Try it. My shields are up.
>
> Saleswoman:
Damn!
>
> Me:
There's nothing you can do to
>
harm me.
>
> Saleswoman:
I guess you're right. Would you like
>
to open a charge account? Our interest
>
rates are very reasonable.
>
> Me:
Nice try.
>
>
>Long-Range Sensors
>------------------
>If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely
use them to scan for
>new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid
work. You could
>run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly
transport yourself
>out of the area when he came near. If your manager died
in his office,
>you would know minutes before the authorities discovered
him, and that
>means extra break time.
>
>Vulcan Death Grip
>-----------------
>Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know
there is no such
>thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But
I wish there were.
>That would have come in handy many times. It would be
easy to make the
>Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
>
>'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
>
>I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly
killing other
>citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood
of getting
>caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be
clean and virtually
>undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left
and right. You
>wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the
office over the
>sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most
common sounds in
>corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give
you a bigger
>raise, but . . . erk!'
>
>And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
>
> A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each
other on a long
> flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to
the Engineer and
> asks if
> he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just
wants to take a
> nap, so
> he politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few
> winks. The
> Programmer persists and explains that the game is real
easy and a lot
> of
> fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the
> answer,
> you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I
don't know the
> answer,
> I'll pay you $5."
> Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries
to get to sleep. The
> Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK,
if you don't know the
> answer
> you
> pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay
you $50!" This
> catches
> the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this
torment unless he
> plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks
the first
> question.
> "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The
Engineer doesn't
> say
> a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five
dollar bill and
> hands
> it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's
turn. He asks the
> Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and
comes down on
> four?"
> The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look.
He takes out his
> laptop
> computer and searches all of his references.
He taps into the
> Aerophone
> with his modem and searches the net and the Library
of Congress.
> Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all
to no avail.
> After
> about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him
$50. The Engineer
> politely takes the $50 and turns away to try
to get back to sleep. The
> Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer
and asks
> "Well,
> so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer
reaches into his
> wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away and
goes back to
> sleep.
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered.
The
element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons
or electrons
and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have
1 Neutron, 128
Assistant Neutrons, 75 Vice-Neutrons and 111 Assistant
Vice- Neutrons.
This gives it an atomic weight of 315. These 315 particles
are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous
exchange
of meson-like particles called Morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However,
it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every other reaction
with which it
comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute
amount of
Administratium caused one reaction to take over four
days to complete,
when it would normally occur in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal life of aproximately 3 years,
at which time
it does not decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganisation
in which
Assistant Neutrons, Vice-Neutrons and Assistant Vice-Neutrons
exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight
actually
increases after each reorganisation.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium
occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate
at certain points
such as government, large companies, health facilities
and universities;
and will often be found in the newest, best maintained
buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to
be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive
reactions
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being
made to determine
how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but
results to date are not promising.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a
200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
HAIRCUT
Women's version:
---------------
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's
so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she
was gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy lo
oking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love
to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty
much stuck with
this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable.
And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look
so cute I think.
I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid
it would
accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have
your neck! Anything to
take attention away from this two-by-four I have for
a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would
love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you.
I mean, look at my arms
- see how short they are? If I had your shoulders
I could get clothes
to fit me so much easier.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Men's version:
-------------
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
High Tech Computer Sales Jargon
NEW - Different color from previous design
ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
UNMATHCED - Almost as good as the competition
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturers cost cut to the bone
FOLLPROOF OPERATION - No provisions for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesnt understand it
ITS HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody new it was coming
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works
REVOLUTIONARY - Its different from our competitors
BREANTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others
MAINTANENCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope
HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on
PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours
ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell
BRAODCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture that produces noise
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, maybe this one will work
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturers, upon cashing your check
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we cant explain
LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of out techs was laid off by Boeing
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
help from
that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am
pleased
to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which
only
Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -
378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes
there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east
to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down
the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under
the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney,
get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that
each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which,
of
course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations
we will
accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total
trip of
75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must
do at
least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man- made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles
per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4)
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that
each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the
sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull
no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point
#1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight,
or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload
- not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison- this is four times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair
of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In
short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing
the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths
of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
timesgreater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously
slim)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's
dead now.
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
submitted
this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please
remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank
you,
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the
shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of
your way and
put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from
the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little
bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added
3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be
here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial
so I
won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They
are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are
instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
your way on
the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was.
I put the Dial
in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove
the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet
for
all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked
in last
Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called
him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have
assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies
for
any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please
contact me
so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between
8AM and
5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business
at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason
I called
Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr.
Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new
maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today,
since she
left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with
her
regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5
days here I
have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this
to me?
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from
my- room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call
the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper ,Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies
for the
inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came
in last- night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have
54 bars of
soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give
me back my
bath-size Dial. S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so Ihad them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the
3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not
know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I
don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial.
I was
able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of
today I possess:
- - - -- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1
stack of 2.
- - - -- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
of 3.
- - - -- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack
of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- - - -- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of
2.
- - - -- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- - - -- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
- - - -- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly
piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a
tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is
not in use and
will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more
item, I
have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in
the hotel
vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products
that
present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch
the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is
especially
true in
light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join
together in
an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging
of
every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our
suggested
list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional
to
the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of
85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles
Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where
This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through
a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages
or
Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting
this
Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million
Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion
Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any
Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That
This
Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional.
However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights
Above
and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the
Seven
New Dimensions
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
or Will
Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its
Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge,
the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
The topic for today is quantum physics. Quantum physics was developed
in the
1930's, as a result of a bet between Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr,
to see
who could come up with the most ridiculous theory and still have it
published. Most people agree that Bohr won hands down, although Einstein
did
very well in the swimsuit competition.
One of the most important researchers in quantum physics is Werner
Heisenberg, a man with a wonderful sense of humor, who was always cracking
one-liners, like "delta-p times delta-x is less than h!" Ha! ha! What
a card!
This is known as Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which is closely
related
to Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem, which says that some things are
true, but
you can't prove them, like when my wife and I argue over whether it's
her
turn to take out the garbage or not.
What Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says is that if something is
small
enough, you can't say anything about it. Anyone with the I.Q. of baking
powder immediately understood that this means that if you look at something
so small that you can't even *see* it, like my dog, Oscar Wilde's,
brain,
then you obviously can't tell, say, what color it is.
But some people didn't get the joke, and decided to investigate this
principle further. They would gather and sit around all day, drinking
beer
and performing "Gedankesexperimenten," or "Thank God we're theoretical
physicists so we don't have to get our hands dirty with particle accelerators
and other heavy machinery." The most famous of these is Schroedinger's
Cat,
where several physicists kidnap Erwin Schroedinger's cat Fluffy and
lock it
up in a box, along with a radioactive source such as Cheez Doodles.
Then they
walk around with concerned expressions on their faces, commenting about
how
they don't know what's going on inside the box. This goes on
until the
cleaning lady discovers the box, opens it and tells the physicists
whether
the cat is dead, or whether it has mutated into a man-eating flea the
size of
Norway.
The point of this experiment is to show that uncertainty at the quantum
level
can be detected in the macroscopic world and produce widespread anxiety
and
paranoia. It also explains why paper clips just lie there while you
look at
them, but as soon as you turn your back, they run away, giggling wildly,
and
transform themselves into coat hangers.
Another famous researcher is Richard Feynman, who invented Feynman diagrams,
which are bunches of squiggly lines with Greek letters next to them.
The way
they were discovered was, one day, Hans Bethe came in to Feynman's
office to
say that some of the guys down in particle research were having a jam
session
down by the cyclotron, and would Richard like to come over and bring
his
bongos? Feynman was out, at the time, cracking a safe or something,
so Bethe
tried to leave him a note. On the desk, he found one of Feynman's daughters
kindergarten drawings. Bethe couldn't make head or tail of it, and
figured
that if even he couldn't understand it, then it must be something Terribly
Clever, and promptly called it a Feynman diagram.
This was a major scientific breakthrough, and ever since, proud parents
have
been hanging their children's Feynman diagrams on refrigerators with
little
muon-shaped magnets, confident that their Little Darlings are developing
important scientific theories every day, because they are, after all,
Gifted
Children.
In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties,
it must get rid of
its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and
become compatible
with the existing standards of our day. To
this end, our technicians
have come up with a new version of UNIX, System
VI, for use by the PC -
that is, the "Politically Correct."
Politically Correct UNIX
System VI Release notes
UTILITIES:
"man" pages are now called "person" pages.
Similarly, "hangman" is now the
"person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."
To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends,
the "cat" command is
now merely "domestic_quadruped."
To date, there has only been a UNIX command for
"yes" - reflecting the
male belief that women always mean yes, even when
they say no. To
address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command,
along with a
"-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system
if the "no" is
ignored.
The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it
has been replaced by
the more neutral "gendre" command.
The "touch" command has been removed from the standard
distribution due
to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
"compress" has been replaced by the lightweight
"feather" command.
Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White
European Males)
should be archived via "tar" and "feather".
The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy
of the Reagan
era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable
"less" command.
The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally
unfriendly
"LaTeX".
SHELL COMMANDS:
To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the
"kill" command has been
renamed "euthanise."
The "nice" command was historically used by privileged
users to give
themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling
them to be
"nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used
by unprivileged users
to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged
ones.
"history" has been completely rewritten, and is
now called "herstory."
"quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum
usage, and will be
strictly enforced.
The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
TERMINOLOGY:
From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately
referred to as
"exploitive capitalist text".
The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative.
Such processes
will now be known as "spiritual guides."
There will no longer be a invidious distinction
between "dumb" and
"smart" terminals. All terminals are equally
valuable.
Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse
video") was white
on black. This implicitly condoned European
colonialism, particularly
with respect to people of African descent.
UNIX System VI now uses
"regressive video" to refer to white on black, while
"progressive
video" can be any color at all over a white background.
For far too long, power has been concentrated in
the hands of "root"
and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted
a dictatorship of the
users. All system administration functions
will be handled by the
People's Committee for Democratically Organizing
the System (PC-DOS).
No longer will it be permissible for files and processes
to be "owned"
by users. All files and processes will own
themselves, and decided how
(or whether) to respond to requests from users.
The X Window System will henceforth be known as
the NC-17 Window
System.
And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" -
for Procreatively
Challenged.
----
UNIX(tm) is a trademark of UNIX System Laboratories.
Any similarity of
names or attitudes to that of any person, living
or dead, is purely
coincidental.
----
[Copy of a real letter from the Smithsonian...]
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with
your
theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence
of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather,
it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll,
of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes
to
be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a
great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may
be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with
your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic.
Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the
specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on
the "skull" is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with
the
"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly
one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny
your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially
due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation,
and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils
of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because
the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really
sound
like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly
not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved
a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in
your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing
the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm
Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Why did the chicken cross the road?
_______________________________
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Hsi Wang Mu: To get to the dark side.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,
but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely
chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be
discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
find
out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that
it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to
be
of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being
which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurrence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Alone.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
Schrodinger: Chicken? Chicken!? Where's my cat?
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Frank Perdue: I breed the finest chicken I know how, and it crosses
the road as part of a vigorous fitness program to raise the leanest,
plumpest birds anywhere. Besides, I was chasing it with this
axe at
the time.
Ronald Reagan: I don't recall.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself
of
the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the
war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind
in
American history, will provide the region with the critically needed
letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names
more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and
Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the
world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand
up
and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some
vowels in their incomprehensible words.
The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour." The
deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is
set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv
and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport
planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from
Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters
over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the
arrival of the vowels.
"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln,
44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is
understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my
poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident
Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George
Humphries. This is my dream."
If the initial airlift is successful, Clintn said the United States
will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's
airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other
nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British
"A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked
to participate, but declined. "With these valuable letters, the
people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new
words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much
easier for us to read their maps."
Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades
they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult
pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to
construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam
Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single
word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get
me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern
European countries." According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have
vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as:
"The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my
children are dead from the war"
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a
foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like
Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's,
S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast
quantities of the letters were intercepted and horded by violent,
gun-toting warlords.
Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions that women ask
men.
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one
is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does
not answer
properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is
"I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful,
caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and
what a lucky
guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears
no
resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at
the time,
which was most likely one of five things:
a - Football
b - Beer
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How I would spend the insurance money if you
died
According to the Sassy article, the best answer
to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of "Married With Children", who
was asked
it by his wife, Peg. He answered, "If I wanted you to know,
I'd be
talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer,
but many wrong
answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
For those guys who
feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong
answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and
emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave
the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call
you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking
about your
insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend,
a passer-by you
were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident
or an
actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct
response is,
"No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such
things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking
about your
insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event
of your untimely demise,
life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce
hurl myself
under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that
came my
way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot,
as is illustrated
by the following stupid exchange:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do
if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the
husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear," said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear," he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the
wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you
let her wear my old
clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would
you take down the pictures
of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to
do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.
"And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's
left-handed..."
Humor Columnist DAVE BARRY
Many of you
young persons out there are seriously thinking about
going to college.
(That is, of course, a lie. The only things you
young persons think seriously
about are loud music and sex. Trust
me: these are closely related
to college.)
College is basically
a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
two thousand hours and try
to memorize things. The two thousand
hours are spread out over
four years; you spend the rest of the time
sleeping and trying to get
dates.
Basically, you
learn two kinds of things in college:
* Things you
will need to know in later life (two hours). These
include how to make collect
telephone calls and get beer and
crepe-paper stains out of
your pajamas.
* Things you
will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you
learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
- - -osophy, -istry, -ics,
and so on. The idea is, you memorize these
things, then write them
down in little exam books, then forget them.
If you fail to forget them,
you become a professor and have to stay
in college for the rest
of your life.
It's very difficult
to forget everything. For example, when I was
in college, I had to memorize
-- don't ask me why -- the names of
three metaphysical poets
other than John Donne. I have managed to
forget one of them, but
I still remember that the other two were
named Vaughan and Crashaw.
Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember
something important like
whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
in oil or tuna packed in
water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
my mind, right there in
the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of
brain cells.
After you've
been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
choose a major, which is
the subject you intend to memorize and
forget the most things about.
Here is a very important piece of
advice: Be sure to choose
a major that does not involve Known Facts
and Right Answers.
This means you
must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
or chemistry, because these
subjects involve actual facts. If, for
example, you major in mathematics,
you're going to wander into class
one day and the professor
will say: "Define the cosine integer of
the quadrant of a rhomboid
binary axis, and extrapolate your result
to five significant vertices."
If you don't come up with *exactly*
the answer the professor
has in mind, you fail. The same is true of
chemistry: if you write
in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
combine to form oak, your
professor will flunk you. He wants you to
come up with the same answer
he and all the other chemists have
agreed on. Scientists
are extremely snotty about this.
So you should
major in subjects like English, philosophy,
psychology, and sociology
-- subjects in which nobody really
understands what anybody
else is talking about, and which involve
virtually no actual facts.
I attended classes in all these
subjects, so I'll give you
a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This
involves writing papers about long books you have
read little snippets of
just before class. Here is a tip on how to
get good grades on your
English papers: Never say anything about a
book that anybody with any
common sense would say. For example,
suppose you are studying
Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense
would say that Moby-Dick
is a big white whale, since the characters
in the book refer to it
as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
times. So in *your*
paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
Republic of Ireland.
Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never
liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative.
If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple
stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY:
Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
deciding there is no such
thing as reality and then going to lunch.
You should major in philosophy
if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY:
This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are *obsessed*
with rats and dreams. I once spent an
entire semester training
a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training
my roommate to do the same thing. The rat
learned much faster.
My roommate is now a doctor.
If you like
rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For
sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
away the number one subject.
I sat through hundreds of hours of
sociology courses, and read
gobs of sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a coherent
statement. This is because
sociologists want to be
considered scientists, so they spend most of
their time translating simple,
obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code.
If you plan to major in sociology, you'll
have to learn to do the
same thing. For example, suppose you have
observed that children cry
when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation
of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
of prematurated isolates
indicates that a casual relationship exists
between groundward tropism
and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
forms." If you can keep
this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
get a large government grant.
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look
on your face
and scream "Oh my God! They've found
me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes &
then suddenly stop
and look suspiciously at everyone who
looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to
the monitor on
duty that you
can't get the damn thing to work. After
he/she's turned it on,
wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, &
repeat the process for a
good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the
person next to
you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each
computer to
different screen than the one it's set
up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme
song and play it
at the highest volume possible over
& over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly
startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath
the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to
tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people
you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before
you turn
it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks
why you
have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for
3 minutes
at everything bad about your life. Then
stop and continue
typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other
people as
if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal
before
starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking
until
someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out
of your fly and say,
"Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing
time
required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,"
and scream
"YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next
to you
(It helps if you know them, but this
is also a great way to
make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your
pockets.
Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing
"The
Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there
is processing time
required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper,
tape it
to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act
like it hates you and
then complain loudly that women (men)
are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2
disc drive,
when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask
loudly
where the smiling Apple face is when
you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then
when its all
done (two days later) say that all you
wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely.
After
doing this for a while, spit them out
at the feet of the person
next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look
at the
person next to you. Grinds some more.
Repeat procedure, making
sure you never provoke the person enough
to let them blow up,
as this releases tension, and it is
far more effective to let
them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for
split
ends, cut them and deposit them on your
neighbor's keyboard as
you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal
Family
on your desk and loudly proclaim that
it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove
shoes
and place them of top of the monitor.
Remove socks layer by
layer and drape them around the monitor.
Exclaim sudden haiku
about the aesthetic beauty of cotton
on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type
up your
paper like this. Then go to the lab
supervisor and complain
about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in
flames!!!"
and continue working.
32. Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer
is
smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete
key is A
Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever
you hit a key, hum
its note loudly. Write an entire pape
this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying
"Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for
a sec?", unplugging the
keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say
that
sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer
in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and
over again
until you see that your neighbor is
noticing (You can hit the
space bar so your fill isn't affected).
Then look at your
neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete
key several times,
erasing an entire word. While you do
this, ask: "Does *your*
delete key work?" Shake your head, and
resume hitting the space
bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this
until you've deleted
about a page of your neighbor's document.
Then, suddenly
exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been
hitting the space bar
this whole time. No wonder it wasn't
deleting! Ha!" Print out
your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to
the lab
monitor and complain that your computer
ate your disk. (For
special effects, put some Elmer's Glue
on or around the disk
drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look
really
puzzled, burst out laughing, and say
"You did that?" loudly.
Keep laughing,grab your stuff and leave,
howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while
making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute
or two. Press return or
the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!"
peek up
from under the table, walk back to the
computer and say. "Oh,
good. It worked this time," and calmly
start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat
them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request.
Talk
to them like you've known them all your
lives. Hangup before
they get a chance to figure out you're
a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd
sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and
look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain
that
the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered
species
of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly.
Type a sentence,
then laugh happily, exclaim "You're
such a marvel!!", and kiss
the screen. Repeat this after every
sentence. As your ecstasy
mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally,
hug your neighbor, then
the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and
Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then
walk up to the nearest
person and say, "Give me that computer
or you'll be feeding my
pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
Computer Gender
Top ten reason why computers are male:
They have a lot of data but are still clueless
A better model is just around the corner
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home
It is always necessary to have a back-up
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either ones is the games you can play
In order to get their attention you have to turn them on
The light's are on but nobody's at home
Big power surges knock them out for the night
Size does matter
Top ten reasons why computers are female
picky, picky, picky
They hear what you say but not what you mean
Beauty is only shell deep
When you ask what's wrong they say nothing
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed
Always turning simple statements into big productions
Smalltalk is important
You do the same thing for years and suddenly it's wrong
They make you take the garbage out
Miss a period and they go wild
Now, you might ask, "How
do I get one of those complete home
tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
Go to one of those really
cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
This is the kind of tool
set professionals use. Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right
off
if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
direct sunlight.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
******************************************
NEW 1996 COMPUTER VIRUSES YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT:
JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But
that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
expands back to 200MB.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of
impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If
you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole
damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour
out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything
is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just
thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of
which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the
most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin
or error).
TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't
allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.
MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much
for the AT&T virus.
FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs --
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply
and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts
money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive
shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a
bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on
the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your
hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional
Virus.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and
erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews,
but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its
programmer will take it back.
O.J. VIRUS
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of
your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
One man was explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
Two weeks ago, it was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling
too hot when
I got
up that morning anyway. I went into my breakfast knowing that
my wife
would be
pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present
for me, but she
didn't even say "Good Morning."
I said,"Well, that's a wife for you, the children will remember."
The
children
came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to
the office,
I was
feeling very low and despondent.
As I walked inti my office, Janet said, "Good Morning,boss...
Happy
Birthday."
Then I felt a little better that someone remembered.
I worked until noon. About noon she knocked at the door and said,
"you know,
it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's
go out to
lunch- just you and me ". So I said, "That's the best thing I've
heard all
day.Let's go".
We went to lunch. We didn't go to the place we usually went to.
Instead we
went
to a little place in the country, which was more private.We had
two martinis,
and lunch was tremendous. We enjoyed it a lot. On the way back
to the office,
she said,"You know. it's such a beautiful day. Do we have to
go back to the
office?" I said, "No, I guess not".
She said, "let's go over to my apartment and I'll fix yu another
martini". We
went to her apartment.We enjoyed another martini and smoked a
cigarette. she
said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and
change into
something more comfortable." I said," OK" as I didn't mind a
bit.
She went into the bedroom, and in about five mintues she came
out of the
bedroom
carrying a large birthday cake, followed by my wife and children,
and they
were
all singing "Happy Birthday."
And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
McDonnell Douglas
AIRCRA |